I Doubted Myself and Now I Doubt My Doubt

A humble returning to Womanhood

I put down Meaningful Mondays at the beginning of August because I believed it was time to write a book about my journey with womanhood. I’m used to having big ideas that disappear within a couple of days, but this one had stuck around for quite a while. I took it to a writing retreat, hoping to nurture the seed. I sketched a structure and wrote a few thousand words.

Then, I had a doubt. This doubt said, “Hmm, is this book really a good idea?” The unravelling thought was that, perhaps, I was trying to tell other people what they should do about their gender feelings. Perhaps I was making them wrong if they didn’t agree with me. I definitely did not want to be that person. I let the doubt smother the idea. I rationalised that the idea was based on something rotten.

As I write this, I see the falseness in the doubt. I don’t want to tell anyone what to do. I felt drawn to sharing my journey with gender because it has been rich and liberating for me. My perspective is unusual, having been a non-binary trans activist and now embracing the identity of woman. Additionally, the aspects of the psyche that I have discovered in my exploration of womanhood are, I believe, important puzzle pieces in a more beautiful vision for the future.

If I feel around and underneath the murdering doubt, I detect fears that I may have been trying to avoid. As I started writing, I encountered big feelings and new perspectives on myself. It wasn’t simple to make sense of it all. I shared some passages with others on the writing retreat, and their reactions worried me. It seemed to be complicated material that had the potential to alienate people. I started thinking maybe I didn’t have anything useful to say about this topic. After all, I’m so different from other people, what could I possibly have to say that would be worth anyone’s time? I am so unfinished, what do I know about what it means to be a woman?

I decided that the book on womanhood was misguided. I decided I should write about something else, although I had no other ideas. For 5 weeks, I’ve tried to open myself anew to what the universe might want me to do. However, the inspiration has gradually drained away until I barely want to write anymore.

Instead of writing, I’ve found myself following an old pattern of filling up my time with busywork that men want me to do. It is quite shocking to step back and see this. I have been offering to take meeting minutes, fix spreadsheets and research the price of insurance. Little, solveable problems that make me feel needed.

This whole misadventure reminds me of my terrible track record in the sport of orienteering. In case you don’t know what that is, it involves running around the countryside with a map and compass, trying to tick off checkpoints faster than other people.

So many trees, but where is the wood?

I love running between trees, over rough ground, and up and down hills. It is chaotic and wild and compelling. I was almost quite good at orienteering in my twenties. However, every time I got near a checkpoint, I would spot other people on a slightly different route. Suddenly aware of my aloneness, the solid ground seemed to give way under me. I abandoned my considered direction and ran towards them. Unfailingly, I lost the trail.

I’ve always been sensitive to others’ opinions on my creative work. Sharing my first intentional written explorations of womanhood on the retreat, I wanted the others to validate my hope that this was a brilliant thing to be doing. With hindsight, this was unlikely to happen with such a complex subject. This was the reason I felt I needed the length of a book to talk about it!

Having investigated my doubts, I feel ready to return to this project, with renewed conviction. “Womanhood” was never about writing a successful book or being publically lauded. This is my story to tell. The whole journey was given to me as a gift, and I want to make something of what I’ve been given.

I am considering that it may be supportive to continue weekly newsletters as accountability for the project. I imagine something like Meaningful Mondays but focusing on my process of creatively engaging with the subject of womanhood. Let me know if you’d enjoy that (and I may well do it regardless!)

With love,

Robin

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I coach people who want accompaniment on their journey. Please take a look at my website and get in touch if you want to work with me.

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